First Impressions

Part of my job is to conduct interviews and hire people that would be appropriate to work for our company.  I have come to realize that I will most likely know if I want to hire the person within the first 5 minutes after they sit down.  How is that possible?  Well, if they look me in the eye, are pleasant, answer questions directly and show a genuine interest in the position, they have me hooked.

How do our kids make a first impression?  Do they show confidence, sincerity and intellect?  I often see embarrassment in the faces of parents whose children misbehave when meeting new people whether they are in the doctor's office or the mall.  We want those kids we love to be loved by others.  We want others to see what we see when we look at them.  We tend to forget that they do not have the filters we do.  The are not necessarily going to act differently at the grocery store when they don't get something they want if they tantrum at home when the same thing happens.  Are we expecting them to act in a way different than what we have taught them?  I think we do.  We expect them to be socially appropriate in public when they are not socially appropriate at home.  If they have been taught that it is okay to have a meltdown at home, why would they abstain at Wal-Mart?

Learning social rules starts at home.  Adults can plaster on that fake smile around others, make small talk and leave a seemingly good impression, but get home and become a monster.  Kids don't understand why they need to act differently around strangers yet.  They will, though. 

Catch it before it's too late.  Show them how to be appropriate at home, and they will learn to be that way in public.  If not, they will become the social liar that many of us adults are.  They will become fake.  That is what adults need to be embarrassed about; creating another generation of confused people.

Nanny Television

I was recently watching one of those shows on television that is supposed to teach caregivers techniques to help unruly children.  This particular show has an "expert" giving advice and delegating the discipline process.  I found myself disturbed after a few moments at how stern and sometimes mean she was to the caregivers and the children.  There definitely needs to be a reality check if your kids are running amok out of control, but the punishment needs to fit the crime.  Why would someone want to listen to a so-called-expert that never acknowledges how much they love their children or what positive things they teach their children?

I found myself feeling somewhat disgusted after seeing most of the show.  The expert was yelling at these caregivers in front of the children.  What kind of behavior model is that?  Doesn't that just teach the opposite of what the parents want their children to learn?  She seemed determined to whip the parents and the children into shape like a childcare drill instructor.

I also found her "techniques" to be somewhat odd.  Discipline does not just mean punishment.  It means teaching.  So, if the child continues to get up from bed when it is time to go to sleep, why are you taking them into another room to sit in a time-out corner?  Why not gently place them back in bed as many times as it takes?  I think it's because she wanted to punish, not teach.  The children eventually fell asleep in bed, not because they learned something, because they were exhausted.  Shaming should never be a form of discipline.

There are some wonderful caregiver educators out there that I have seen demonstrate creative and effective techniques for helping children behave appropriately and more fully reach their potential.  I actually enjoy watching these people interact with families due to their knowledge and approach.  They want the best for that family and those children, not a pat on the back for themselves.

No Means No

It is one of the first words they say.  It is one of the first words we dread.  It seems that little, perfect being you love is beginning to turn into a monster.  We are dumbfounded that this little baby now refuses to listen.  We are blind sighted after they first utter the word, "No!"

When our darling little infant turns into a demanding toddler, it can be more than disheartening.  They may look cute and sweet, but learning to share and listen to caregivers brings out those terrible twos.  What if we looked at their seeming defiance another way?  They are learning to stand up for themselves.  Learning who to listen to and who to say no to is a vital skill that will keep them from harm and build confidence.  They are learning what is acceptable and not acceptable.  They are learning the rules and where the boundaries lie.  This is some very important work.  They are learning if words really do mean anything or not.

Fast forward a few years.  That toddler is in elementary school, and a bully is trying to start a fight.  If the child's will was broken in earlier years, he does nothing but endure a beating.  If the child learned what to say no to and what not to say no to, he is more likely to stand up for himself.  Of course, personality and physicality play a part in future decision-making. Nonetheless, learning good boundaries makes the world feel safe.  It leads to an outlook on life that is secure and more capable of handling problems.  So remember, the next time you hear a little one yell, "NO!", it's an opportunity-not a disaster.

Monkey See, Monkey Do

Have you ever tried to get out of reading that same book to your child over and over again or watching the same movie time after time?  Do you try to skip to the end hoping they won't catch on?  You may tire of the monotony, but they are learning.  They are like sponges soaking in every word, movement, color and action.  The world is a new place of adventure for them.

Now, think about how that relates to your interaction with them.  Don't you think they are watching your every move and listening to every word you say, too?  They are learning from you how they should react to various situations.  What happens when things don't go your way?  Do you get mad, curse and slam doors?  They're going to do the same thing.  Do you take some time to be by yourself and tell others how you are feeling?  Do you work out the problem in a positive way?  They take mental notes and imitate their role models.  Imitation is a way of connection.

Once a child starts learning negative behaviors, they can be very difficult to undo and re-teach.  Well into adulthood, we find ourselves saying and doing things our parents did.  If a person learned how to be manipulative to get their way in childhood, it will take a lot of effort to become honest as they grow up. 

Parents and caregivers may end up blaming the child if they continually behave badly.  They may shun the child for their behavior without taking responsibility for what they helped create.  If we want a good kid, we have to be good adults.  We need to realize our problems and fix them, so they are not passed down to our children.  The work is worth it.

Undisciplined Toddler to Juvenile Delinquent

Four year old Hailey pushes her little brother down after he starts to play with one of her toys.  She is told she may not behave that way, how it hurts little Aidan and that if she behaves that way again, she will go in the time out corner.  Five minutes later, she is caught in mid-push.  Aidan falls to the floor crying.  Aiden is quickly comforted and Hailey is asked, "Do you want a time-out?" 

Is there anything wrong with that question?  Is it logical to think that your child wants a time-out?  Why are we asking them if they want something that we know they do not want?  We ask them, not for their sakes, but for our own.  We don't really want to have to put them in time-out, so we begin to reason with a small child that sees the world in black and white.  We may not want to go through the hassle of having to put them in time-out, following through and making sure there is resolution to the problem.  We also don't want to see them cry or get their feelings hurt, and we definitely don't want to deal with a tantrum.  We ask them what they want so that we do not have to go through all of that.

The hassle we believe we are saving ourselves begins to create a monster we will deal with later, sometimes even through the rest of the child's life.  We are teaching them that we are not going to follow through with consequences.  We are teaching them that they can get away with things they were told were wrong.  We are teaching them to ignore authority figures, and when they get into trouble, they can cry and throw a tantrum so that there will not be a penalty for the wrong that they did.  Do you see how lack of correct discipline as a toddler can create a juvenile delinquent?  That's pretty scary stuff.

Consistent follow through is a must!  We want a society filled with responsible, caring, honest people don't we?  Of course we do.  What kind of adults do you think your children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews are going to be?  Are they honest now? Do they have character when it comes to admitting their wrong and doing the right thing?  Those things are taught.  Adults that take the time to correct behavior in toddlerhood are more likely see that child grow into a decent human being.  Let's take the extra time and effort to cultivate the soil.  They will love us for it in the future.